Another Chance 4 Horses
I had a dream, not long after I was divorced, or sometime during that period, that I was in this great big glass walled space with large paintings on the floor. People were scattered around, on the floor, working on their paintings and there was a spot for me to make a painting, too, but it was already partially painted. I was sitting atop a large white/grey horse with a thick neck and long mane and I had a good view of what everyone was doing. I had a choice, I could continue to fill in the rest of the painting that was started, though I had a clear sense that it was not me who had begun it, or I could clear that space and start an entirely new painting. That was what I wanted to do, but I didn’t know where to start. I just remembered this dream as I am sitting here reading “The Wishing Year” by Noelle Oxenhandler. Could it be that I am in a time in my life when I am starting my very own, new painting? It feels a bit that way…
My mother… I wonder why I want her approval so much…What would it give me that I don’t already have? Do I want to be like her? Do I want to be the opposite of her? What is it that I want from her? Unconditional love, security? I know that deep down she does love me unconditionally, but I don’t feel like she does. I feel like it is a qualified love. Like if I am not someone that she is proud to have as her daughter, then I do not deserve her love. I told my therapist recently that I worry that I carry a deep seeded belief that if if really want something badly, that I automaticallt won’t get it. That if I hold something too dear, then something bad is going to happen. I just adopted a rescue horse that would have been sold for slaughter had someone not been able to put up bail for him. I haven't met him yet, but I think he is going to be lovely. I prayed and sent out healing thoughts for him, but he arrived at the vet check with a runny nose and a gash on his chest. I wanted him anyways and had him shipped up to a barn outside of Saratoga, NY. He is being taken good care of there, but I haven't even met him yet. I will go down to see him on Saturday. I have all of these hopes for him and for me and for our future partnership, but I am afraid at some level that all of the love that I feel for him will have some sort of cosmic backfire. I know how silly that sounds, but on some f'ed up level, that is how my mind works. Just as I am writing this, I received a picture of his wound from the lovely woman that is taking care of him, and it is looking so much better! I just can't wait to go and be with him and give him a big hug! She says she is going to give him a bath today, and I am hoping to have a new picture to post, also. Yay!
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| These are pictures of my new friend that were taken by AC4H, hopefully I will have more pictures to post of him soon! |
